don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
