im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
