smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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