So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
