Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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