dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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