Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
