I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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