I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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