How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
