I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
