this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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