god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize