i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think my moral compass just broke
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
