Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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