I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
