I think my fart just growled at me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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