i'm signing you up for texting rehab
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize