FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
