I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
