I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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