i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
