i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
