I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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