Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
