I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
