the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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