i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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