whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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