The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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