I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
