Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
