A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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