I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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