I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
