I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
