The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
