after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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