eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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