it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Farmville is her only friend.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
