i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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