my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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