Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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