But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
