I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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