the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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