I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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