Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
