Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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