How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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