I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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