Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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