I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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