The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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